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Everyone’s gotta have them.

The President of the United States of America (Dennis Quaid) has just been re-elected. But instead of diving into his obligations, he feels more like taking a break. He feels like reading the newspaper for once, spending quality time with the First Lady (Marcia Gay Harden) and generally, cutting back on his presidential duties. His chief of staff (Willem Dafoe), however, fears that President Staton is becoming something of a recluse and tries to rekindle his career with a PR gag that is bound to shower the Prez with rave reviews. With the hit TV show American Dreamz launching into its next season, Staton’s chief of staff sees the perfect opportunity for the President to regain his popularity. Scheduled to appear then on the season finale of American Dreamz, the President will co-host with Martin Tweed (Hugh Grant), the greatest guy currently in the showbiz. Unfortunately though, an Islamic extremist has managed to infiltrate the show as one of its candidates. Forced into this suicide mission he does everything to be on the finale of American Dreamz, to shake the President’s hand and to pull that trigger.

Paul Weitz’s first outing, American Pie, released back in 1999 packed quite a punch. Not only was it original and hilarious, but it also wasn’t afraid of going where the hurt is. The problem with American Dreamz is simply that it lacks all of the above mentioned attributes, this partly being the fault of its subject matter. Making fun, or put more accurately, parodying the President of the United States and such talent shows as American Idol and their contestants as well as their hosts, is plainly too bland an undertaking. Bush and American Idol have been in the newspapers as well as the tabloids for years on end and people have been snickering about them for about the same time and it appears that the subject matter has been suck dry by now. The cast (above all Hugh Grant and Willem Dafoe) are doing all they can to keep this dream afloat but ultimately only postpone the inevitable crash with the iceberg. After an appallingly silly Scary Movie 4 (but you didn’t need us to tell you that) and now American Dreamz, it’s already the second comedy this spring that we couldn’t care less for. Not exactly the stuff that dreams are made of. (1 out of 4 MILFs)

American Dreamz is rated PG-13. It has no balls.

It looked like the perfect bank robbery. But you can’t judge a crime by its cover.

Dalton Russell (Clive Owen) is a man of few words. But when he does speak, pay close attention to what he says because he chooses his words carefully and never repeats himself. When the movie opens, Russell claims to have planned the perfect bank robbery. He and his goons walk into the Manhattan Trust Bank disguised as painters, take all employees and customers hostage, empty a mysterious safe deposit box but not the bank’s vault and declare to simply walk out of the bank once the job is done. Detectives Frazier (Denzel Washington) and Mitchell (Chiwetel Ejiofor), as well as Captain John Darius (Willem Dafoe) are called to the crime scene and try to master the situation but cannot make sense of what is going on inside the bank. When suddenly the dubious owner of the bank (Christopher Plummer) as well as bitchy playmaker Madeline White (Jodie Foster), get preoccupied with getting an item of a high personal value out of the bank, things start to get really weird.

Spike Lee’s latest joint is very different from his earlier work to say the least. After Malcolm X, Do the Right Thing or She Hate Me, Lee ventures into new cinematic territory, something we like to call the ‘mainstream’. Opting for a commercial success with a rock-solid genre film and one hell of a cast (unfortunately Jodie Foster is underused), Inside Man is what thriller and heist movie fans alike have been waiting for. In the end, it is not the movie’s twists and turns that keep you wanting more (because unfortunately they are not as original as one might think), but rather the perfect cast ensemble giving incredibly spot-on performances as well as some slick camera work from director Spike Lee himself. Even if the story doesn’t win you over, the great dialogues, the deliberately politically incorrect ‘color comments’ and the welcome lack of plot holes that seem to plague the thriller genre lately, more than make up for a script that can be seen through if you indeed pay close attention. Inside word has it that Spike Lee will be rewarded for playing it straight this time. (3 out of 4 shitholes)

Inside Man is rated R for lots of bad words.

Remember, remember the 5th of November

On November 5th in 1605, Guy Fawkes conspired what came to be known as the Gunpowder Plot, an attempt to blow up Westminster Palace and kill King James I in the process. His plan was however thwarted and he was executed for treason and attempted murder. Now, in the not too distant future a lone vigilante with codename V (Hugo Weaving) and constantly hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask, cruises the streets of London, fighting a totalitarian government. Chancellor Adam Sutler (John Hurt) rules the country with an iron fist, oppressing its citizens with curfews and maintaining a constant state of fear. When young Evey Hammond (Natalie Portman) gets apprehended after hours stiletto-toting V saves her from being raped by the chancellor’s men. V explains Evey his scheme for destroying Sutler and his fascist regime and finds himself a new ally in an impossible war for freedom.

From the masterminds behind the Matrix trilogy comes this adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel by the same name. Interestingly though, Moore who wrote Vendetta as a reaction to Thatcher’s rule over Britain has declined any affiliation with this movie. His reaction, although understandable (because both The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and From Hell, two other adaptations of Moore’s graphic novels, were seriously flawed) was also premature. The Wachowski’s version of V for Vendetta, alluding to today’s fears of corruption, conspiracy and terrorism and put into a post 9/11 political context, is as relevant as was Moore’s original vision twenty years earlier. From a technical point of view the Wachowski brothers’ screenplay is rock solid and often reminiscent of their original sci-fi hit The Matrix. Even though the trailer might fool the audience into thinking of Vendetta as an action movie, it is certainly not. Full of poetic and alliterative monologues as well as philosophical discussions, the slow-mo fights are given relatively little screen time, making this more than your average comic book adaptation. First-time director James McTeigue offers us an uncompromising vision of the future that looks and plays out remarkably well. V for veritably impressive. (3.5 out of 4 bonfires)

V for Vendetta is rated R. It makes you question things.

Wrong Time. Wrong Place. Wrong Number.

When Slevin (Josh Hartnett) arrives in New York to visit his friend Nick, he only finds an empty apartment. Pretty soon, goons of the city’s two biggest crime bosses come knocking on Slevin’s door, stating that they have unfinished business. While Slevin tries to explain this case of mistaken identity he finds himself dragged and blackmailed into a murderous scheme between the rivaling mobsters. It looks like Nick had debts towards ‘The Boss’ (Morgan Freeman) as well as ‘The Rabbi’ (Sir Ben Kinglsey) and they now use Slevin in order to eliminate the competition. When you think it couldn’t get any weirder the mysterious Mr. Goodcat (Bruce Willis) shows up at both of the mobsters lairs and appears to have been pulling the strings from the get go. Entangled in this web of sex, lies and murders (no videotape, though) is Slevin who tries to get away with the girl (Lucy Liu) and a broken nose.

Pretty much out of nowhere came this production sporting an incredibly a-list heavy cast as well as an incredibly lame title. Don’t worry though because once you’ve seen the movie, the title begins to make sense but it still remains one of the worst puns we have seen in a while. Apart from that, Lucky Number Slevin is an enjoyable ride that takes us through a cliché-ridden film noir landscape. The movie owns a lot to its excellent cast who deliver the often minimalist dialogues in perfection. Visually, the movie is a feast (and not only if you like the company of men). From a 70’s set piece in the beginning to the hits and kills taking place throughout the movie it looks incredibly old-school (and that is good thing, in case you were wondering). The violence seems to be toned down a bit for rating reasons but Slevin works perfectly well without the gut-churning violence of say Casino. The disappointment comes however with the movie’s conclusion. It thinks it’s smart and that is never a good thing. Oh, and you can see it coming. In a New York minute. (2 out of 4 Kansas City Shovels)

Lucky Number Slevin is rated R. People die.

The late Johnny Cash, who died in September 2003 only four months after his beloved wife June Carter, was or rather is one the most revered artists of our time. He shares after all a spot in the music hall of fame with the likes of Elvis Presley or Jerry Lee Lewis (a.k.a. ‘The Killer’). Big John Cash came out of Arkansas’ cotton fields to become one of the great American artists of the 20th century and he is bound to influence and inspire generations to come. This year’s Walk the Line tells the story of a man who became a legend, a true American icon.Through an awful lumber mill accident that killed Johnny’s brother Jack, to the gig in Folsom Prison in 1968 and the marriage to the love of his life June Carter (Reese Whitherspoon), we are introduced to a man who loved his black suits, had a message to get across but unfortunately also had a minor drug addiction. In the end, however, he truly walked the line.

Walk the Line is an excellent movie. Whether it is this year’s Ray, however, is another question. Ray was heavy on drama and had Jamie Foxx who gave an amazing performance. Writer/director James Mangold’s Johnny Cash biopic (named after one of Cash’s most famous songs) on the other hand seems to be more concerned with telling the story of an utterly heartwarming romance between the two leads rather than plunging into the depths of the complexity of its main character. But Mangold just hit the right tone with this power chord. Walk the Line is driven by a killer soundtrack and its cast Joaquin Phoenix (Gladiator, The Village) and Reese Whitherspoon (Cruel Intentions and some movie with her being legally blonde or something), who turn in the performance of their lifetime. While Foxx lip-synched to Ray Charles’ unique sound and voice, Mangold took the riskier option of having his stars providing the vocals. And even though there is nothing like the real deal, his gamble pays off handsomely. We would love to see the leads holding golden statuettes come March, even though Joaquin Phoenix has got heavy competition in the form of Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote). Whitherspoon’s near future, on the contrary, looks promising. We keep our fingers crossed. (3 out of 4 rings of fire)

Walk the Line is rated PG-13 for drug abuse (prescription drugs that is).

See Dick Run.

Meet the Harpers. They live in a big house in suburban LA, are about to get a hot tub set up in their back garden, have a cute kid by the name of Billy, a dog and a Mexican cleaning lady. Jane (Tea Leoni) works at a travel agency but Dick (Jim Carrey) who works at Globodyne (basically an Enron-like corporation) brings home the big bucks. When Dick is made VP (Vice President) of Globodyne, Jane quits her job and plans refurbishing their entire home. Unfortunately, though, Dick learns in a live TV show that he has been set up by Globodyne’s CEO Jack McCallister (Alec Baldwin) and made the scapegoat for the company’s bankruptcy. Soon the Harper’s learn that getting a job when you desperately need one has a lot in common with the bull races in Pamplona, that your lawn can indeed be repossessed and that you can pay your Mexican cleaning lady in household appliances. So much for the American Dream and that hot tub.

This comic redo of the 1977 original starring Jane Fonda and George Segal is unfortunately disappointing. Even though Jim Carrey’s rubber face gets its fair share of laughs some other things simply don’t. The disasters like Enron or Worldcom that struck corporate America still stick with people’s minds and may not yet be ready to be made fun of. When Jane Harper proposes to get up early in order to eat at the local soup kitchen, we are inevitably reminded of those whose lives were not graced with a happy end. Fortunately, the movie does not stop there and takes things to a level of absolute absurdity and emphasizes its comic and benevolent caricature-esque nature. The cast does a relatively good job even though it is notoriously difficult to star opposite Jim Carrey. Previous flicks have shown us that he is quite the scene-stealer and he is nearly ubiquitous in this one, which is either a good or a bad thing depending on your taste. There is however one hilarious elevator scene in which Carrey gives us his interpretation of the song ‘I Believe I Can Fly’. It’s great but not enough though to save this mediocre rehash.

Fun with Dick and Jane is rated PG-13. Dick waves a gun around several times.

Hundreds of years ago Alexander Corvinus (Derek Jacobi) gave ‘birth’ to twin brothers, Marcus (Tony Curran) the very first vampire and his nemesis William the very first lycan (a werewolf-like creature). Over the centuries a terrible war has raged between vampires and lycans with no end in sight. Underworld: Evolution immediately picks up where the original left us a couple of years ago. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is hunted down by Marcus who is on a quest to free his imprisoned brother and create the ultimate race. Since Selene’s family has built Marcus’s prison but also has been killed by treacherous vampire Victor in part one, Selene is the last one to know Marcus’s whereabouts. In the end, it all comes down to the inevitable and rather gory showdown that already prepares the way for the franchise’s third (and final?) installment.

2003’s sleeper hit Underworld had everything Gothic fans could wish for. This second chapter is very similar in tone but even though the budget seems to have been bigger this time around it didn’t work in favor for the plot nor the acting. Kate Beckinsale (who by the way was nominated sixth most boring person in her college) still does an okay job and director Len Wiseman (who’s also Beckinsale’s hubby) makes sure that she looks absolutely stunning in each frame, but it is above all the supporting cast’s performances which have too much in common with a fifth-grade school play. However, this kind of movie is usually not rated in terms of its acting but rather in terms of its action, suspense and gore. Now even tough the latter comes in gallons and action-fans will be served their share of guts, bullets and slow-mo, the slaying of lycans, über-vampires &co. becomes really repetitive and predictable. And then there is the annoying use of computer animated blood and the tiring unoriginality of the battle and death scenes. If you thought that the bodacious Beckinsale kicking ass in a little shiny black jumpsuit and a sex scene would be enough to make this an instant classic, think again.
P.S. Be reassured, we won’t judge you if you see the movie nonetheless. (1.5 out of 4 bloodsuckers)

Underworld: Evolution is rated R for virtually enhanced blood and gore, medically enhanced boobs and fucks (that is as an utterance as well as an action).

When producer Max Bialystock’s (Nathan Lane) latest play is smashed by the critics as well as the audience, he is in need of a plan that pays off big. When his accountant Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick) tells him that under the right circumstances ‘a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit’, Bialystock is bound to try this theory out in practice. Bloom and Bialystock then begin their search for the worst play ever written and soon discover Franz Liebkind’s (Will Ferrell) Springtime for Hitler. After some unconventional negotiations with the playwright, the production of the play is given a go and ensues Bialystock raising money by wooing and bedding 85-year-old grandma’s, hiring a hot aspiring Swedish actress (Uma Thurman) as his secretary and casting the playwright himself as the one and only Adolf Hitler.

From the twisted mind of Mel Brooks comes this redo of the original 1968 movie and musical that is bound to ‘offend people of all races.’ Susan Stroman (yes there are female directors) helms this time around and brings us a hilarious adaptation with probably the most unconventional themes ever used in theatre and musical. The casting of Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman and the always side-splitting Will Ferrell (alright let’s erase Bewitched from our minds) was an act of genius. The songs and tunes could have been catchier but the lyrics more than make up for that. You should however be warned; if you don’t like the characters breaking out into songs every ten minutes or so go and watch something else. If however you are a Mel Brooks fan and like your musicals and can’t make it to New York or London’s West End where it is currently played on stage, you should definitely have a go even though it’s not yet springtime. Oh, and please leave your inhibitions at the popcorn stand.

A great product! (3 out of 4 broad ways)

Welcome to the suck.

Based on former marine Anthony Swofford’s best-selling 2003 book about his pre-Desert Storm experiences in Saudi Arabia and starring Jake Gyllenhaal as the leading man, Jarhead tells the story of a young Camus-reading guy who got lost on his way to college and ended up in the United States Marine Corps. Jarhead accompanies Swofford and his comrades from the excruciating drills endured in boot camp to them being stationed in the Gulf where they have to maintain a ‘constant state of suspicious alertness’ for 6 months during which they practice, hydrate, party, booze and masturbate a lot before eventually the war breaks out and staff sergeant Sykes (academy award winner Jamie Foxx) designates the Marines ‘the righteous hammer of God’ against Saddam Hussein. With the launch of operation Desert Storm all hell breaks loose and the atrocities of war hit the marines full circle. But for Swofford who hasn’t fired off a single gunshot during the whole war it all ends without any satisfaction.

American Beauty director Sam Mendez and Donnie Darko lead Jake Gyllenhaal unite in this absolutely stunning movie. Mendez managed to direct a brilliant, rough and comic war movie that creates a unique atmosphere. For Gyllenhaal’s character, being a marine is not a career but rather a chapter in his life he has to endure. Even though Swafford is happy to serve his country and also more than willing to kill an Iraqi or two he doesn’t seem to make any kinds of judgments of what is going on right in front of his eyes. The movie’s nonchalance, indifference and unorthodoxy make this more than your average war movie. Jarhead is relevant, tries to make a point and plays with the notion of patriotism. Unfortunately, there are some minor flaws that slightly spoil an otherwise excellent picture such as a pop-heavy score that does not always hit the right tone and could generate misleading interpretations as well as the depiction of a rather stereotyped testosterone-fueled military life full of f-words, six-packs and male nudity. Nevertheless, it’s awards season (look out for Brokeback Mountain, All the King’s Men and Memoirs of a Geisha) and Jarhead as well as its brilliant cast should stick with you when nominating your year’s favorites.

Indulge in this beautiful hell. (3.5 out of 4 great dictators)
Rated R for pervasive language, some violent images and strong sexual content.

It’s a heck of a place to find yourself.

There are days in your life when everything seems to slip away. For Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom) this is one of those days. When he gets sacked and publicly scrutinized for ruining a major American shoe label all on his own, he contemplates stabbing himself to death by getting on a self-made death-machine (i.e. a home trainer sporting tempting looking knives). Fortunately enough a phone call from his sister, saying that their father has passed away, interrupts Drew’s suicide ritual and forces him to represent the family at his father’s funeral. Convinced to get back on that bike the moment he returns, he embarks on a journey that holds more in store for him than he could ever have imagined. His trip to Elizabethtown, Kentucky, along with the acquaintances he makes (e.g. Kirsten Dunst), becomes a self-finding, life-fulfilling expedition reminding him of the very things that make us human.

Cameron Crowe wrote and directed this slightly overlong picture that doesn’t really fit into a category. If, however, you are desperate to stick some kind of label to it, it probably might best be described as a take on the pitch-black dramatic romantic comedy. Unlike Crowe’s previous flicks though (e.g. Vanilla Sky starring the always cheerful couch-hopping Tom Cruise), Elizabethtown seems to be less ambitious but still works extremely well most of all due to an excellent script and praise-worthy performances by the actors. Orlando Bloom who was never really able to show his acting skills (in all fairness, how could you in an elf costume??) does a decent job to portray the young troubled suicidal gentleman and so does Kirsten Dunst as an overzealous stewardess (even though I fear that she might end up being type-casted over and over again). The bottom line is that this is an extremely entertaining piece featuring an overwhelmingly prominent soundtrack that makes you want to download, I mean buy it immediately.

Everyone gets lucky in Kentucky. (3 out of 4 partial cremations)